Written by Joshua Thomas
Originally published Feb. 15
So I had a fortune cookie tonight with my Chinese and I'm getting a little sick of them.
First off it teaches you how to say some stupid word in Chinese (mine taught me eggplant!), gives you six lucky numbers, and then, worst of all, gives you a shit fortune.
"The most beautiful adventures are not those we go to seek."
"Hey Josh, what are you doing?"
"Not looking for an adventure, and it's still not fucking here!"
So I propose a new type of fortune cookie. One that you'll have to be daring to try. My fortune cookies will skip the lucky numbers, because who reads those anyway. But contrary to today's fortunes, mine would always be correct. Because we'd fucking make sure of it. To do this, all of my fortune cookies would be laced with drugs. For instance, one of the fortunes would say "you're going to throw up." On the reverse side, you would then find the "how to say ipecac in Chinese" portion. Other drugs I'm thinking of using include: LSD, cocaine, amphetamines, flunitrazepam (roofie), ecstacy, and other party favors.
No longer will lame faux prophecy be blasphemed from the innards of cookies. Finally, real prophecy will be read and lived.
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