Do you have a zombie plan?

Category: Self-Defense for Nerds

No nerd is truly complete without a zombie plan. As evidenced by the release of “I Am Legend,” air, water and land pollutants, diseases, chemical warfare and the genetic mutations that take place on a daily basis make a zombie invasion inevitable. Therefore, it’s critical that we nerds have zombie plans so that when the zombies attack, we can eventually re-take the world and establish our own nerd-dom! Oh, how the rest of the world will wish they had listened to us… But – here is the zombie plan Alex and I have devised for our particular situations. You may want to analyze your own situation and do the same.

Anyway. As I see it, there are two basic kinds of zombie invasion possibilities, each requiring a different plan. The first is for zombies with Type B personalities. If threatened, or if they see people, they will attack, but not until then. Type B zombies are advantageous for the few of us nerds who are left, as they are too shy to get near each other, and therefore don’t reproduce. They will eventually die out. Until then, they wander around seeking brains – usually ones that are just lying around, as they don’t like the work of prying them out of heads. Although your pets may be in danger.

Type B Zombie Plan:

While I lack a true long-term zombie plan, with a farm in Canada on top of a hill with some steep walls, I do have a short-term one. See, I've got a ridiculous amount of things like ramen and peanut butter that keep for a long time, so I would grab those and the electric kettle we have, along with some of my clothes and as much bottled water as I could carry.

I would then go upstairs and destroy the stairs from there. I would then probably hang out upstairs until zombie threat became imminent, at which point I would lock myself in the bathroom and possibly board up the door, even though it'd be darn hard for zombies to get up there without stairs. I would have access to water and a toilet, at least until something happened to those, and with the kettle I could boil the water if I were suspicious that it was contaminated. I would also be able to wash my clothes and take showers.

There's a window in the bathroom, which would enable me to watch out for zombies, but since I'm on the second floor it's not risky to not have it boarded up. In theory, I would eventually run out of food, but at least I wouldn't become a zombie. Like I said, though, this is a short-term plan. Someday when I have more resources I plan on having a decent long-term one.

The second possibility is personality Type A zombies. These are aggressive, angry zombies who seek out people to eat. They do fight each other quite often, although they won’t eat each other because there are simply no brains to be had from another zombie. Type A zombies have no problem reproducing, and therefore will have to be actively wiped out in order for the human race to be re-established.

Type A Zombie Plan:
Firstly, it is critical to establish a headquarters. I would choose the University Journal office (my workplace) because it is easily defensible. It has two entrances and a ceiling duct in the bathroom that could be accessed by forming a human ladder. Furthermore, it has internet access, which is also important.

However, as there are no weapons allowed on campus, we would have to be creative as to weapons. There is a kitchenette here, so I suppose we could boil water and throw it on the zombies, or throw forks and sporks. Being evil journalists, we could also publish libelous material about them and make them want to go kill themselves because they feel ostracized from the rest of the zombie population. I also have a pencil holder full of pennies. It’s quite heavy, and I feel that it could do some damage if thrown.

I’m fairly certain that with a combination of hand-to-hand techniques and bludgeoning objects, we could manage to dispel the un-ostracized zombies from the rest of campus. From there, we would have access to other resources – broadcast, for instance, to ostracize more zombies around the county. Vehicles to run them down, etc. I’m fairly certain the engineering department could have a few interesting tricks up their sleeves, as well. From there, after freeing the city, we could have a good base to take the world back.

Now obviously, the possibility of having ONLY Type A or Type B zombies is an odd one, so here are a few hints that apply to both Type A and Type B zombies, just in case you should need to escape, or kick some zombie trash.

1. Zombies have especially week knees, due to the large percentage of former football players who have become zombies. Therefore, a few kicks or a baseball bat to the kneecaps should aggravate old football injuries and take them right out.
2. Pretend to be a zombie. Now, take note – this does not work unless you smell like a zombie. So if you’ve got some extra brains, drool them down your front and maybe roll in the muck a bit.
3. Cry. (No. Really. This works.)
4. Threaten to sue. Zombies, due to their unpleasant odor and rotting appearance, seem to have trouble procuring legal representation, and judges and juries seem to be put off by the fact that they eat brains. Complaints of discrimination against zombies are prevalent in the justice system, and several cases are pending. Take advantage of it while you can.

With these tips and a good plan, you can take back the world! Rule it well!

--Alex and Anna