The Nerdy Virgin Brigade

My (boring, tl;dr, and disorganized) thoughts on Torchwood: Children of Earth

2009-07-25T12:02:00.000-07:00

If you are somehow the last living Torchwood fan who hasn't watched Children of Earth, there will be spoilers here. Also, what is your excuse? It's been on BBC America by now, and there's also the internet, and just... go watch it. Now. There may also be spoilers up to current Doctor Who, depending on how I'm feeling. I'm evil like that.

I watched Torchwood: Children of Earth with my uncle (as one does) roughly two weeks ago, and I'm just now getting my thoughts together enough to write about it. I realize how that sounds. It's television. I should not be so affected by it that it takes me two weeks to get my wits about me enough to post some blathering on a silly blog.

But you know what? Children of Earth really was that good, and that sad, and that infuriating (in some respects). Perhaps part of what made it so good was that I wasn't really expecting it to be that good. Before Children of Earth, Torchwood was a silly, frankly not that great sci-fi show I watched out of my loyalty to Doctor Who, and my deep and abiding love of Captain Jack. The shame. The shame. (More on that later.) But Children of Earth was riveting, excellent drama.

I'm not going to go on and on about why I thought it was excellent television (which I did). Instead, I'd like to talk about 1) Season 4 and why I don't think there will be one, 2) Ianto dying, and 3) Captain Jack. Why? Because it's my (and Anna's, mainly Anna's, she's much better about posting than I've been lately, I'm sorry children, I will try to do better) blog, and no one can stop me. (Well, really, Anna could stop me quite easily. Perhaps you could band together with her for a mutiny if you really wanted.)

So, stop one. I don't think that there is going to be another season of Torchwood. Of course, since I said that, someone more on top of gossip than I am will leap forth into the comments and tell me it's going to happen. I'm aware that there is (supposedly) a fourth season written, but I'm not anticipating it happening. I think Children of Earth is a good place for Torchwood to stop, for many reasons. For starters, it is always a good idea to go out on top, and CoE is undoubtedly Torchwood's pinnacle. Torchwood is also not a show that was meant to run forever. Unlike Doctor Who (which can theoretically run forever as you can change out the main actor infinitely) or indeed most other shows (where the show can continue for some time as the actors age), Torchwood is not meant to run past a few seasons. It's a show where the main character supposedly doesn't age (except when/if he becomes the Face of Boe. Plot holes yay!). Unfortunately, actors do age, and at some point it would have to go off the air. Also, with only two people left (and one of them floating off in space somewhere), who's going to run Torchwood? I think that the remaining characters could occasionally show up in episodes of Doctor Who. I'm actually really hoping that we can see a discussion between the Doctor and any of the remaining characters in Torchwood about the events of CoE in the next season, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

So, onto the next one. Ianto. Because I have no willpower whatsoever, and people were tweeting things like "OMG, DAY FOUR OF COE, SOOOOO SAD", I had to go looking for spoilers, so I went into Day Four knowing Ianto was going to die. And you know what? It still made me cry, and I was still really upset by it. But it wasn't until much later that I started thinking to myself that it was actually a bit nonsensical that Ianto had died. I mean, it didn't HAVE to be him, really, in my sad little brain at least. Some people have said that it would have been implausible that nobody would have died during the series, and Ianto was convenient. While this is true, when has Torchwood ever been bound by plausibility? It also pissed me off a bit that what's-his-face scientist man (forgive me, it's been two whole weeks, alright?) survived because he put on a hazmat suit, but Jack and Ianto would, for inexplicable reasons, show up to confront an alien force that lives on toxic gas and was threatening the earth with a deadly virus bearing only guns. I mean, really? Ianto always struck me as the kind of guy who would say "You know what, Jack? I think we should procure gas masks" in that kind of situation. Alas, I am not RTD and thus have no say in the matter. One last thought on Ianto's death: I (and a lot of other people) felt disappointed at Ianto's death not just because he was a character I really liked, but because of my perhaps foolish hope that Torchwood would be an exception to the rule that gay couples are not (in most mainstream film and television) allowed to have happy endings. In CoE, the remaining main characters were couples: Jack and Ianto, Gwen and Rhys. Within the show, Gwen has (to me at least) always represented normalcy. Jack is an ex-time agent with serious issues, Ianto hides his cyberwoman girlfriend in the basement, Owen dies and gets resurrected and then dies again, Tosh isn't allowed to love anyone without them turning out to be an evil alien or being taken away from her, but Gwen is Normal. She has a nice, bumbling fiancee, a life and friends outside of Torchwood, and in early episodes is the "human" presence in the organization. As such, it stands to reason that if someone in CoE had to die, it certainly wouldn't be Gwen or Rhys. Why kill half of a straight couple when there's a perfectly good gay couple wandering about? Yes, I'm being sarcastic and bitter and lots of other unpleasant adjectives, but even if it wasn't intentional, Ianto's death felt like just another unhappy ending for a gay couple. Blah.

I will now try to cast off my gloom to trouble you with one last observation, this one regarding Captain Jack. One of the myriad of things that I read people talking about repeatedly after CoE aired was anger over Jack being "turned into" an amoral, unsympathetic character. To these people, I say: have we been watching the same show? While CoE's portrayal of Jack is perhaps a bit more harsh than that of previous seasons, Jack has (in my opinion) never been a squeaky-clean, unproblematic character. He's a womanizing (and... maninizing? Is there a word for that in English? If you know of one you should inform me of it, it would be quite useful) ex-con man who has lived through wars, killed people, watched people die, and is incapable of dying himself (which is bound to make you a bit messed up). He's not exactly a choirboy. Of course some of his actions in CoE (I'm thinking specifically of, well, sacrificing his own grandson) are deeply upsetting, but I think it's a bit disingenuous to claim to be shocked that he would do something you might consider ethically questionable.

Okay, I lied in that last paragraph. I have one more thing to burden you with. I know it belongs in the "blah blah blah fourth series" paragraph, but I wanted to end with it. I've heard a lot of people saying that even if there is a fourth season, they won't watch, because RTD is an asshole (which he totally is, I'm not disputing that. If you don't think he is, I raise my eyebrow at you and encourage you to read this.) I think this is a ridiculous justification. If you don't want to watch Torchwood next season, don't. Don't watch it because you didn't like the writing, or because you can't be bothered now that Ianto is dead. Not watching/listening/consuming something because you don't like the person who produced it might seem like a reasonable idea initially, but in honesty if we all lived that way we'd probably spend our leisure time staring at blank walls. Is RTD an asshole? Yes. But if there's another season of Torchwood, I will be plunked on the couch watching it faithfully, probably cursing him the whole time. It's the way of the masochistic geek.

The psychological stages of knitting...

2009-07-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

For the beginning knitter, just starting into your first project can be an exciting thing. To conceive of an idea in your head and bring it to fruition with your very own hands is nothing short of fantastic. You might expect that you will zoom right through it. However, the experienced knitter will tell you that it's just not so. Knitting, though a simple repetitious process, is a very complicated psychological process with various stages of its own. Learn to navigate these phases, and you too can become an expert knitter.

PROJECT KNIT: What to expect.

PHASE 1: Excitement! (From 0% completion to 20% completion)
In this phase, the hopeful knitter will gather yarn, choose patterns and projects, needle gauges, etc. After carefully planning out the new project (or not... some knitters do tend to fly by the wing...) the knitting begins. The knitter is excited to see the beginning of the project forming on the needles... bold and subtle combination of colors, brilliant execution of simple or complicated patterns, and the appearance of tangible evidence of intangible thought. In this phase particularly, imagination plays a great part in the formation of the project. ("Oh boy! Just finished another row! What's it gonna look like when I'm done with the next one?") The knitter often sees the finished product firmly in his/her mind.

PHASE 2: Satisfaction. (From 21% completion to 30% completion)
In this phase, the knitter looks back on the progress from the previous phase and is satisfied at the difference in how much of the project has been completed. The difference between just having started and being fairly underway into the project is quite tangible here. This phase is the most short-lived of the phases, and often one of the most dangerous, as this is where the majority of mistakes are made.

PHASE 3: Doldrums. (From 31% completion to 65% completion)
This is where the majority of knitters get stuck. The longest of the phases, this phase is often when most knitters begin planning their next projects. Experts speculate that the lack of imagination in this phase contribute to a lack of enthusiasm that often leads to long periods of lax behavior. In this phase, the addition of another row, or several rows, hardly seems to make a difference in progress toward completion of the project, often resulting in discouragement. ("Holy crap, I just added sixty rows and it doesn't look any different!") In this phase, knitters often begin excessive staring at their skeins or balls of yarn in a vain attempt to discern reduction in size, indicating forward progress on the project. If a knitter can get past this stage, he/she has it made.

PHASE 4: Tenacity. (From 66% completion to 80% completion)
This phase is where the most determined knitters will grit their teeth, tell themselves to "Just Do It" and knit their fingers to the bone to just get it over with so they can move on to the next project. Frequent yarn checks are also a characteristic of this phase, but by this phase, yarn checks have begun to inspire confidence in a finished product by virtue of their diminished size.

PHASE 5: Scrutiny. (From 81% completion to 100% completion)
In this phase, the knitter has begun to realize that the project is nearly finished, and imagination enters into the equation once more, as does motivation. One more thing is introduced in this phase that is generally not seen in the project until this time. Careful scrutiny of the project ensues during this phase, in which the knitter searches for major errors in the nearly finished product, and checks and double-checks his/her every move in order to ensure that no debilitating errors will be made in the final stages of the product. Oftentimes, knitters who skip the scrutiny may end up making catastrophic errors in the end stages, resulting in a completely worthless project that is oftentimes torn up, and re-wound into balls to put away for another frustrating day.

PHASE 6: Post-completion
After completion of the project, knitters have one of several options. Many of these options correlate directly with the quality of the finished product. Knitters give quality products to friends, family, or keep them. Products of extremely high quality are photographed and posted on Internet knitting blogs, since many knitting junkies tend to be blog junkies as well. Less quality products are often kept for the knitter, tossed in a dustbin, or given to friends or family the knitter doesn't much care for.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Successful preparation for and navigation of these psychological phases can give the aspiring knitter a good idea of what to expect. Knit on!

The miracle of mixing again...

2009-04-15T13:30:00.000-07:00

I have this weird fantasy sometimes that I'm like some kind of TV or radio talk show host... Something like America's Funniest Home Videos, or some lame show like that. Only, it wouldn't be lame, it would be awesome.
Anyway... I love Youtube. It's like nerd crack. So anyway, I have this fantasy about sharing some of my favorite vids on Youtube with hundreds of people over my imaginary TV show. And the introduction would go like this. (Assuming Alex and I co-host.)

Anna: So... how exactly does one take a lame-ass movie and turn it into nerd crack?
Alex: Uhhh...
Anna: Make it into an action-packed techno flick, of course!

Without further ado, I introduce to you the top five movie/TV show remixes circulating the internet. (Disclaimer: We make no allegations as to the lame-assness of these movies or TV shows.)

#5:
THIS IS SPARTA!
Okay, so I suck at the whole 'embedding' thing. Alex will have to fix that later. But the point is that there's almost nothing better to tickle my funny-bone than watching whatshisface's face on the wiggling fat guy, or the bear suit, still with its pissed off expressions. The video-game part is pretty off the hizzle, too. If indeed a nerd is permitted to use words like "hizzle."

#4:
They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard
First off - original music = sheer genius. Secondly... Okay. I don't know if there is a secondly. But you've got to admit, it's pretty damned catchy.

#3:
Get in the back of the van!
Okay, so considering that this only has seven words, I was laughing my ass off. That's the problem with these... They're so pointless that it makes them hilarious.

#2:
But Why is the Rum Gone?
One of the most (in my opinion) overrated movies of all time! And this is its crowning achievement... Once again, original music. So cool. (Not to say that I didn't like the movie... just that it's overrated... ) Also, I'm incredibly amused at the clandestine appearances from other movie characters. (The Terminator?! How cool is that?!)

#1:
Benny Hill vs. Eminem vs. Dr. Who
I realize Alex showed you this on the last post. But I feel it is so incredibly awesome that I've got to let it reappear as the number one techno remix. Even if it's not technically techno. Nerd crack, meth and ecstasy. And... other cool drugs. (Disclaimer: I am technically not promoting drugs by that statement. Drugs are bad, kids...)
P.S.: Am I the only one who's a bit frightened by an alien running around in a banana hammock?

And now back to my crazed TV show host fantasy...

Anna: And that's what happens when good movies go bad.
Alex: And vice versa of course.
Anna: Of course, this is just a small sampling of the fricking awesome nerd crack that's out there, kids. So go to Youtube and look around.
Alex: And beware of that Shakira "Hips Don't Lie" spoof... Ouch. Brain hurt.
Anna: And extra kudos to the first person to make a "Hot Fuzz" video.
Alex: And that's all for today!
Anna: Now get thee forth and partake of infomercials pertaining mostly to the "snuggie," the "shamwow," and Billy May's excellent vocal bullying!

Guest Post: Fortune Cookies

2009-02-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

Written by Joshua Thomas
Originally published Feb. 15

So I had a fortune cookie tonight with my Chinese and I'm getting a little sick of them.
First off it teaches you how to say some stupid word in Chinese (mine taught me eggplant!), gives you six lucky numbers, and then, worst of all, gives you a shit fortune.

"The most beautiful adventures are not those we go to seek."

"Hey Josh, what are you doing?"
"Not looking for an adventure, and it's still not fucking here!"

So I propose a new type of fortune cookie. One that you'll have to be daring to try. My fortune cookies will skip the lucky numbers, because who reads those anyway. But contrary to today's fortunes, mine would always be correct. Because we'd fucking make sure of it. To do this, all of my fortune cookies would be laced with drugs. For instance, one of the fortunes would say "you're going to throw up." On the reverse side, you would then find the "how to say ipecac in Chinese" portion. Other drugs I'm thinking of using include: LSD, cocaine, amphetamines, flunitrazepam (roofie), ecstacy, and other party favors.

No longer will lame faux prophecy be blasphemed from the innards of cookies. Finally, real prophecy will be read and lived.

Disclaimer: Guest posts to the Nerdy Virgin Brigade are published with permission from the authors. Posters must not be assumed to be nerds or virgins until proven otherwise. The Nerdy Virgin Brigade takes no responsibility for the nerdiness or virginity of guest posters.

Valentine's Day: a guide to surviving while NVB

2009-02-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is upon us again. Or, as Anna and I like to think of it, Single's Awareness Day. Or, as I like to think of it, Hey, At Least The Next Day Lots of Chocolate Is Half Off Day. Either way, if you're a bitter NVB hag like me, I've compiled a list of dos (sp?!) and don'ts for surviving the big day.

DO find someone else to hang out with sometime during the day. Being alone just makes you paranoid and bitter. (Ask me how I know!)

DON'T make that someone else to hang out with someone who used to be your significant other or who you wish was your significant other. That's just awkward.

DO eat some frickin' chocolate. Unless dietary restrictions prevent you.

DON'T drink or otherwise chemically alter yourself into a stupor. It makes things worse, and you might do something stupid.

DO do something you enjoy. Especially if it's horribly geeky. For example, I will be watching Doctor Who all day and then reading Harry Potter until I fall asleep. I may throw in a Stephen Fry podcast. Heck yes.

DON'T give into anyone who tries to make you feel bad for not having a significant other. Same for anyone who tries to pity you. Not that I'd know, but significant others sound lame. I have a feeling they'd object to my talking about yarn all the time and making jokes about Daleks.

Armed with these suggestions, I hope you have an excellent Day That Shall Not Be Named. See you on the flipside.

-Alex

Throwdown: Social networking sites vie for users' affections

2009-02-11T15:40:00.000-08:00

(By Anna Cole: Originally published in the University Journal, January 26, 2009.)

Like any self-respecting Internet addict, I spend a ridiculous amount of time surfing those delightful places that are fondly known as "social networking sites" - namely, Facebook and MySpace.

As the first trend on social Web sites, MySpace has the advantage of experience. It enjoyed its overwhelming fame long before Facebook entered the scene.

However, fresh ideas bring fresh faces, and Facebook, in its relatively short heyday, has far surpassed MySpace's value as a cyber social gathering.

While MySpace does have its uses, they seem primarily centered on blogging and self-expression. Great if you want to document your life, not as useful if you're trying to keep up with someone else's - which is what socialization is all about.

MySpace's flashy layouts, bulletins and page comments simply aren't as conducive to an active social site. Having to search through one's friends just to find an update on how he or she is doing or who said what to whom is far too much effort.

Facebook's neatly centralized social center puts all the updates in one place, so all I have to do is scroll down to see that Mike is eating some chocolate chip cookies and that Jane commented on Max's photos. Not specific friends - although you can specify some if you like - but just friends. All together like friends should be.

Comments and wall-writing are a few more aspects of the social scene that Facebook has perfected to outperform MySpace, specifically in the areas of status comments and wall-to-wall function.

MySpace has friend statuses, of course, but no area for public comment on them, and I love that I can comment on statuses with Facebook.

For instance, my cousin and I (nerds that we are) love to have lyric and quote wars on our statuses. If she posts a song lyric as her status, the challenge is for me to complete the lyrics in the comments without looking it up.

Besides the obvious advantages of social interaction, photos and statuses - as if we needed more - Facebook also provides variety from everyday boring life by means of pirate talk.

It's easy to get tired of plain old English. One might get tired of "writing on the wall," and might instead get the urge to "scrawl on the plank." You can visit your Bottle o' Messages instead of your Inbox.

The wall-to-wall function for posting is also excellent. MySpace comments are all well and dandy, but I'm oftentimes rather hampered by the format, simply because all it shows is the comment box. I'm fairly scatter-brained at times and don't always remember what I wrote before. So when Pinky-Girl25 leaves me a comment that says, "That's so funny! I think so too," I don't want to have to scroll all the way down her page to figure out what I said that she agrees with.

Wall-to-wall is the antidote to this problem. I can click "wall-to-wall" and see our entire conversation to find out that Pinky-Girl25 also thinks that mustard would be an excellent topping on chocolate ice cream.

There are other excellent recommendations for Facebook as well. Advertisements, the ever-present plague, can be tailored to fit one's interests more closely. If I'm tired of weight-loss advertisements (which I most certainly am) I can mark the ads as "misleading," "uninteresting," or "offensive," depending on my level of dislike for the ad.

MySpace ads, mostly sporting obviously doctored weight-loss and beauty photos, are there to stay. Need a girlfriend? A boyfriend? Perhaps both? MySpace knows just where you can get them, and they've all got a crush on you. It gets annoying after a while.

Finally, even MySpace recognizes Facebook's superiority in the Internet world. Not that they say it in so many words, of course. I did notice, however, that every single innovation that made Facebook unique and desirable has been shamelessly copied by MySpace.

Applications - those cute little quizzes that tell you which of the Jonas Brothers you should marry, or show how many countries you've been to, or let you keep a cute little virtual pet - showed up on MySpace long after Facebook had begun using them.

The "People You May Know" function that analyzes friends that people may have in common also appeared on MySpace within the last few months. I notice far less accuracy in the matches on MySpace than on Facebook.

While Facebook analyzed not only my friends, but my college and area networks to cross-reference and find possible matches, MySpace matches seemed to consist of suggestions based on one or two other friends. While Facebook found friends of mine from as far back as elementary school, MySpace found people I'd never heard of in New York and Jamaica.

I could cite hundreds of other examples why Facebook is better than MySpace, but I suspect I've rambled long enough.

Suffice to say, Facebook's advantages are overwhelming. You can poke me if you think I'm wrong, but beware, I might just poke you back.

Anna Cole is the University Journal Opinion Editor. She can be reached at acole@suujournal.com.

Blogs: Savers of Sanity

2008-12-02T13:00:00.000-08:00

One thing that many nerds seem to have in common – nerds with internet access anyway (and how exactly does one become a nerd without internet access?) – is blogging. Most nerds that I know (including myself) have blogs – numerous blogs. If they don’t have blogs, they follow blogs – numerous blogs.

Obviously, this is an excellent trait if you’re running a blog and need followers. Make nerd friends and get a gathering. Networking, chit-chatting, and general blog-related merriment will ensue, creating a good time for all. While this is an excellent form of entertainment, some may wonder why it must take place over the internet.

It is my theory that should one take all the nerds that follow a blog, put them all in the same room, and leave them there to mingle, chit-chat and network like they would on the internet, there would not be enough dark, quiet corners to go around. Somehow, the internet provides security in conversation that simply isn’t present in a face-to-face encounter. Say what you may about a nerd’s social skills, but really – think about it.

Normal people would be severely threatened by the congregating and communicating of socially adept nerds – because not only would we solve world hunger, world peace and nearly any other crisis, but we would inevitably institute fashion trends, quirks and character oddities into society that normal people just couldn’t pull off. Could you imagine what would happen if awkwardness in daily conversation became the “in-thing?” Eddie Izzard’s infamous “Oy! Sue! I’ve got legs! Do you like bread?” would become the norm in societal communications, and normal people couldn’t handle it. Their natural smoothness of tongue would rebel, their cool sense of style would crumble, and they would snap.

Hence, the fact that we nerds communicate via a faceless, nameless blog format, is really a device to preserve the sanity of those poor normal people. It’s all about helping those less fortunate (or intelligent), right? Obviously, even nerds have personal connections with people, so a blog won’t always do it. However, never fear, for we have discovered a medium for just such issues.

Instant message! The text program of the gods is here to save the day. And we nerds are constantly utilizing its amazing functions (did you know you can play chess on some programs?!). Even to the point that two people can IM each other from sitting next to each other. It is my theory that eventually, the need for social skills can be completely eliminated – if only everyone had IM, shopped online and had a good blog as a medium for expressing opinions and sharing news.

Blog on!

--Anna

Do you have a zombie plan?

2008-11-24T14:57:00.000-08:00

Category: Self-Defense for Nerds

No nerd is truly complete without a zombie plan. As evidenced by the release of “I Am Legend,” air, water and land pollutants, diseases, chemical warfare and the genetic mutations that take place on a daily basis make a zombie invasion inevitable. Therefore, it’s critical that we nerds have zombie plans so that when the zombies attack, we can eventually re-take the world and establish our own nerd-dom! Oh, how the rest of the world will wish they had listened to us… But – here is the zombie plan Alex and I have devised for our particular situations. You may want to analyze your own situation and do the same.

Anyway. As I see it, there are two basic kinds of zombie invasion possibilities, each requiring a different plan. The first is for zombies with Type B personalities. If threatened, or if they see people, they will attack, but not until then. Type B zombies are advantageous for the few of us nerds who are left, as they are too shy to get near each other, and therefore don’t reproduce. They will eventually die out. Until then, they wander around seeking brains – usually ones that are just lying around, as they don’t like the work of prying them out of heads. Although your pets may be in danger.

Type B Zombie Plan:

While I lack a true long-term zombie plan, with a farm in Canada on top of a hill with some steep walls, I do have a short-term one. See, I've got a ridiculous amount of things like ramen and peanut butter that keep for a long time, so I would grab those and the electric kettle we have, along with some of my clothes and as much bottled water as I could carry.

I would then go upstairs and destroy the stairs from there. I would then probably hang out upstairs until zombie threat became imminent, at which point I would lock myself in the bathroom and possibly board up the door, even though it'd be darn hard for zombies to get up there without stairs. I would have access to water and a toilet, at least until something happened to those, and with the kettle I could boil the water if I were suspicious that it was contaminated. I would also be able to wash my clothes and take showers.

There's a window in the bathroom, which would enable me to watch out for zombies, but since I'm on the second floor it's not risky to not have it boarded up. In theory, I would eventually run out of food, but at least I wouldn't become a zombie. Like I said, though, this is a short-term plan. Someday when I have more resources I plan on having a decent long-term one.

The second possibility is personality Type A zombies. These are aggressive, angry zombies who seek out people to eat. They do fight each other quite often, although they won’t eat each other because there are simply no brains to be had from another zombie. Type A zombies have no problem reproducing, and therefore will have to be actively wiped out in order for the human race to be re-established.

Type A Zombie Plan:
Firstly, it is critical to establish a headquarters. I would choose the University Journal office (my workplace) because it is easily defensible. It has two entrances and a ceiling duct in the bathroom that could be accessed by forming a human ladder. Furthermore, it has internet access, which is also important.

However, as there are no weapons allowed on campus, we would have to be creative as to weapons. There is a kitchenette here, so I suppose we could boil water and throw it on the zombies, or throw forks and sporks. Being evil journalists, we could also publish libelous material about them and make them want to go kill themselves because they feel ostracized from the rest of the zombie population. I also have a pencil holder full of pennies. It’s quite heavy, and I feel that it could do some damage if thrown.

I’m fairly certain that with a combination of hand-to-hand techniques and bludgeoning objects, we could manage to dispel the un-ostracized zombies from the rest of campus. From there, we would have access to other resources – broadcast, for instance, to ostracize more zombies around the county. Vehicles to run them down, etc. I’m fairly certain the engineering department could have a few interesting tricks up their sleeves, as well. From there, after freeing the city, we could have a good base to take the world back.

Now obviously, the possibility of having ONLY Type A or Type B zombies is an odd one, so here are a few hints that apply to both Type A and Type B zombies, just in case you should need to escape, or kick some zombie trash.

1. Zombies have especially week knees, due to the large percentage of former football players who have become zombies. Therefore, a few kicks or a baseball bat to the kneecaps should aggravate old football injuries and take them right out.
2. Pretend to be a zombie. Now, take note – this does not work unless you smell like a zombie. So if you’ve got some extra brains, drool them down your front and maybe roll in the muck a bit.
3. Cry. (No. Really. This works.)
4. Threaten to sue. Zombies, due to their unpleasant odor and rotting appearance, seem to have trouble procuring legal representation, and judges and juries seem to be put off by the fact that they eat brains. Complaints of discrimination against zombies are prevalent in the justice system, and several cases are pending. Take advantage of it while you can.

With these tips and a good plan, you can take back the world! Rule it well!

--Alex and Anna

Musical narcotics!

2008-11-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

Category: How to Keep a Nerd Entertained.

One of my most favorite things to do is listen to music. Now, being a total music nerd/hipster means that I'm really not into the mainstream music thing. I do not like rap, hip-hop or country. I am happiest when the music is from out of the country. Canada, England, Russia and Israel are a few favorites. Sweden and Iceland rank high on the list as well.

An inevitability with music these days is drug references in the lyrics. They're fairly unavoidable, it seems, although some bands are more creative about it than others. I'm not talking about the fairly obvious references (Weezer - "Hash Pipe" or "We Are All On Drugs") or even the rather subtle insinuations (The Beatles - "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds") but more the infusing of hints and code words into the lyrics themselves.

It may be a sign of my slightly deluded amusement at these things, or that I have been far too inundated with such things, but I find much amusement in ferreting out these references and deciphering them. A recent favorite is Just Jack, an English electro-rap group. For example, without me telling you, could you figure out the lines: "I'm loving Mary Jane, flying with Lois Lane, on board that bullet train..." etc.? Mary Jane, fairly obvious. But if you weren't looking for it, could you guess the others? This fascination with figuring out drug references in lyrics keeps me entertained for hours - when I have hours to spare.

However, lyrical drug references can also have side-effects. Such as - spotting drug references in songs that definitely do not have any drug references. Like... Christmas songs. "Let it Snow?" Really...

Anyway, if you're into that kind of thing and music seems boring to you, spice it up a bit! Find some drugs in it! And by the way, "Puff the Magic Dragon" does not count. We all know that one already, so go get your own drug references!

--Anna

When Knitting Gets Out of Hand

2008-11-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

Category: Adventures in Knitting

Unfortunately, I kind of see my future in this.

--Alex

The Joy of BBC America

2008-11-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

Category: How to keep a nerd entertained

Besides that time I figured out that I could make a bag with the likeness of Simon Amstell on it, the best thing that has happened to me this year is moving into a house that gets BBC America. Despite the fact that it is far from perfect (where is Never Mind the Buzzcocks? Ponderland? The Mighty Boosh?) BBC America is like the holy grail of nerd television. It's British (which automatically gets it points), and it broadcasts such nerd mainstays as Monty Python's Flying Circus and Doctor Who. After ridiculous amounts of time spent in front of the television with a cup of tea and my knitting (the only way to do such a thing, really), I have compiled a guide to my favorite shows currently broadcast by BBC America for your nerdy perusal.

DR. WHO

I've never considered myself a sci-fi person, but I love Doctor Who. See, he's a Time Lord, and right now he's in his tenth regeneration, and he travels in the TARDIS which is like a messed up time machine, and he has a companion, and they travel through time and space and combat evil! (It's way cooler than it sounds. I promise.) A bonus about watching Doctor Who on BBC America is that it's usually on on Friday or Saturday nights, so I can enjoy it while other people are out partying. Doctor Who is actually so nerdy that some may consider it to be TOO nerdy. (I say there's no such thing, but hey, whatever). I think everyone should watch it at least once, if only for the purpose of being able to have conversations with those who are obsessed with it.

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS

Okay. For reals? Do I really need to explain the majesty of Monty Python's Flying Circus? The parrot sketch? The Spanish Inquisition? SPAM? That guy who says "IT'S"? "And now for something completely different"? "Stop the sketch, it's getting silly"? Pepperpots? The Argument Clinic? Go watch some. You'll feel better.

LITTLE BRITAIN

If you're going to watch Little Britain, you'll have to access your inner twelve-year-old boy. It's a sketch show devoted to showcasing the lives of various British people, and the humor is somewhat cheap. However, it's the kind of program that is pretty funny at one in the morning. Also, there's tons of crossdressing, which I have come to think of as a common denominator of British comedy.

SPACED

Oh, Spaced. How I love thee. And yet BBC America does not show you, in all your British sitcom glory, nearly as often as they should. I can't imagine why. I mean, you feature what most of my country thinks of as "those dudes from Shaun of the Dead", along with Jessica Hynes, who I think of as "whatsherface from Shaun of the Dead" and Anna thinks of as "that lucky wench who got to hug Simon Amstell". Either way, it's a very funny and clever show, and BBC America doesn't show it nearly as often as it ought to. I feel a letter-writing campaign in my future.

In an ideal world, BBC America would show more of the British programming that I've stooped to watching surreptitiously on Youtube... but for now I'm pretty happy.

--Alex

Tea: Titan of Tastiness...

2008-11-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Catgory: Cooking for one.

One of the few culinary delights of my life... probably can't really be considered a culinary delight at all. Oh, tea... That wonderful herb and chemical flavored broth that enriches life as we nerds know it... How all the exotic flavors of the earth can be bundled into one little paper packet that magically comes alive as water is added is completely beyond me. However, I don't necessarily have to understand a thing to appreciate it.

What I would caution the prospective tea-drinker, however, (other than the obvious, "beware, this tea may scald you" that is written on the outside of the cups, except for cold teas, obviously...) is that certain teas have certain connotations and can brand you with a label that you don't necessarily want.

For example: Take black teas, for instance. To me, a drinker of white teas and green teas, black teas are comparable to the coffee of teas. Not like... a mocha latte cappuccino kind of coffee - more like straight black strong coffee with no sugar. Black teas are the macho, very strong teas. They are what Rambo would drink - if indeed Rambo drank tea. It would be something along the lines of, "excuse me, can I get some red-hot nails to eat with my black tea? Thank you." And still never forget that when in doubt - pinky out!

Next, there's the chai tea. This is the tea of sophisticated people. This tea wears a scarf, those black, square-ish glasses, and attends poetry readings. The slight spicy tinge to the tea seems to give the brain a little bit of a jump-start, or so chai drinkers would have you believe. It's something that you would drink while pondering the works of Picasso or Michaelangelo or perhaps while reading "Love and War," or "Atlas Shrugged."

Next come the green teas - the teas of spiritual and healthy people. These include herbal teas used for remedies, as well. Green teas are environmentally friendly, and best partaken of while actually out in the environment. Drinkers of green teas are very proud of the fact that THEIR tea has natural anti-oxidants while other teas don't. (To which the rest of us say, "whatever... you nerds.") It's healthy, and it's what those little Tibetan monks drink, so it's got to be spiritually enhancing, too, right? Drinkers of green teas can often be found scaling mountain peaks and kayaking across oceans. Totally environmentally awesome! Which is why the cold kind comes in convenient 20 oz. plastic bottles which can be neatly tossed so as not to slow you down on your way up Everest.

White teas are more like the soda-pop of teas than anything else. They're more like a comfort tea or a pleasure tea. They're for people who come out of the cold and think to themselves, "well... I need something hot. But it's gotta taste fantabulous, and I'm not in the mood for hot chocolate." They're a starting point into tea, and for the casual tea-drinker. White tea flavors usually come with flamboyant flavor names like "Snazzy Strawberry!" or "Voluptuous Vanilla!" They're oftentimes fruity, and could be easily imagined with a dollop of whipped cream on top to facilitate the image of the white tea as a dessert tea. Beware the label of "tea sissy" while drinking white tea.

Then there are the iced teas - flavored or non, these teas are the social butterflies. Honestly, who drinks iced tea all alone? It's like alcohol! You drink with other people, and it's okay. Drink it by yourself... you've got a problem. Evidenced by the fact that it's hard to find iced tea in small, one-cup sized packets. They come in sizes for gallon jars, usually created by the means of placing these packets inside a large glass jar of water and leaving it out in the sun for a day or so. This method produced iced-tea that - once iced - is affectionately referred to as "sun tea." Because supposedly the tea now tastes of the little bits of light it soaked up. Once the tea is sufficiently iced (and in the south, sweetened) it is ready to serve at dinner parties, church functions and luncheons.

Finally, there are the instant teas, which can range anywhere from a chai latte mix to a Crystal Light pop-top canister, or those little "just-pour-this-in-your-water-bottle" mixes. These are for people who are thirsty - but hate the taste of their water. As such, I have a difficult time classifying them as real tea. However, in the interest of fair and objective representation, I will say that chai latte mixes are yummy.

Now that you have been briefed in the various types of tea and their inherent dangers of labels, it's time to get to the real nitty gritty: how to make tea.

Step one: Heat water. This step is necessary - unless you are making sun-tea. Depending on the amount you are attempting to prepare, there are a few ways to do it. For just one, you can simply fill a mug with room-temperature water and microwave it for a minute or so, depending upon the power of your microwave. If no room temperature water is available, cold water will do, or you can melt snow. Beware the repercussions, as cold water and melted snow are slower to heat.

Step two: Ready your selected tea. For tea-bags, be sure to remove the outer wrapper. For instant teas, rip open the packet or ready the correct measurement of said mixture.

Step three: Apply tea. Drop the tea-bag into the water or pour in your mix. For mixtures, stir. Generally with a spoon. For tea-bags, use the provided string to dip and dunk the tea-bag to help the flavor soak into the water. Steep for however long you like your tea strong.

Step four: Add whatever confections you may drink with your tea. Common tea-condiments include sugar, honey, and cream.

Step five: Check the temperature of your tea to be sure it will not burn your taste buds off, and enjoy.

Now that you have discovered the many joys and benefits of properly nerdly tea, go forth and share the good news!

--Anna

Welcome...

2008-11-16T20:53:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the Nerdy Virgin Brigade! I started it because the geekiness of Anna and I cannot be contained and simply must be spread to the world. We'll both write posts, whenever we darn well want, about topics we feel would be appreciated by the (imaginary) Nerdy Virgin Brigade. Such topics may include (but are not limited to) knitting, movies, TV shows, cooking for one, general awkwardness, things to do alone at night when everyone else is out shagging, and anything else that crosses our twisted minds.

Thanks for stopping by!

--Alex

Intro to the authors:

Alex (The Noun): Alex is a linguistics major and general dork. Her favorite things include British chocolate, the Navajo language, Diet Coke, Sigur Ros, Dr. Who, Law and Order, hand-knit socks, and frybread. Alex eventually wants to get her PhD and become a grumpy linguistics professor who terrorizes undergrads and works with endangered languages during the summer. For now she supports herself by tutoring kids.

Anna(The Verbinator): Anna is a linguistics fanatic, and is thoroughly addicted to tea, Mountain Dew, and journalism. She will almost never use a little word where a large, confusing word will suffice. Anna aspires to be insane when she grows up, and in the future, would like to be an editor for literary publishing. In the meantime, she supports herself with the help of her family, and friends who don't mind freeloaders.

Both Alex and Anna are crazy-cat-ladies in training and often hold multi-lingual conversations regarding the nature of grammar, the number fourty-two, and the lives of multiple British celebrities. Both Anna and Alex often dream of yarn and keep themselves awake at night contemplating excellently nerdy things to knit with said yarn.